Comments: Mare

I've been trying to come up with something to say about this one, and I can't put the words together (appropriately enough I guess). I love it though, so I hope that's enough.

Posted by Ted at November 23, 2004 07:31 AM

Like, Ted, I feel the same way. That was exceptionally moving and very beautiful.

Posted by RP at November 23, 2004 02:08 PM

Wow, thanks guys! I was wondering if anyone was going to bother to get through the whole thing!


Posted by Tuning Spork at November 23, 2004 07:39 PM

That. Was. Fucking. Beautiful.

Posted by Kermit at November 26, 2004 07:44 PM

Well. This is a hard one to comment on, but I know you want me to, so I'll try.

Constructive criticism: "It was her entire form that seemed to be full with an inner peace." should be either "Her entire form seemed full of inner peace." or "It was her entire form that seemed to be full of an inner peace." That sentence sort of tripped up the flow for me each time I read it. Also, at the end, it felt rushed to get it done. The last two paragraphs should have more time between them...a doctor and nurse were waiting to treat a head-trauma victim, but willing to let her and a partner have sex first?

Constructive criticism aside, I think it was well-written and nicely insightful.

Posted by Jennifer at November 29, 2004 01:02 AM

This is how the Rabbi's defined sex as well; the becoming one flesh, a return to the state of our creation (according to some Rabbi's man and woman were created as one entity and then separated) as well as becoming one in a child. I loved how you wrote about it, and I loved the image of the horse as peaceful and graceful.

Posted by Rachel Ann at November 30, 2004 01:43 AM

That was really moving. The sketch made it seem so nostalgic. I felt I was reading a long form version of a Leonard Cohen song.

Posted by Mermaid at November 30, 2004 06:48 PM

Constructive criticism welcomed, and I think You're right on both counts. If I ever get around to it I'll re-write the "full with an inner peace" line. And the ending was too obnoxious and abrupt, I agree. I'll rewrite it, er, like I said: when I get around to it...
Thank you for the emails. Me likey Jenny critique... :D

Rachel Ann,
The pastors say the same thing, I hope! (Haven't been to church since 1974, but I'm sure they get questioned in the aisle constantly about this!)

As a frustrated physicist I've always liked the idea that we are the world of opposites that sprung from a world of unity. The science gets complicated, but the truth seems so obvious, eh?

Wowee!! Just being mentioned in the same paragraph as Leonard Cohen is an honor! :D

"Your faith was strong, but you needed proof.
You saw her bathing on the roof.
Her beauty, in the moonlight, overthrew ya.

She tied you to the kitchen chair...
she broke your throne... she cut your hair...
and from your lips she drew a 'Hallelujah!'"

--Leonard Cohen, 198?

Posted by Tuning Spork at November 30, 2004 11:33 PM

Words: Enjoyable. Thank you.

Posted by Jason at December 7, 2004 02:14 AM
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